Everything Hurts, And If It Don’t Hurt, It Probably Don’t Work

One of the great things about coming to 5K’s and triathlons at the age of 57 is that I haven’t spent the years beating up my body with the stress and pounding of training and racing. Nope, I’ve beat it up the old-fashioned way, with sloth and gluttony, leading to way too much weight and way too little muscle. Now that old age is working hand-in-hand with gravity, I get to have (remember the old Doublemint ads?) two – clap, two - clap, two times the fun! So, let’s do a little inventory and then reflect a bit.

Hearing
Whadja say? .

Vision
Can’t see far and I can’t see near. Given me and mirrors, that’s not necessarily a bad thing – except when shaving.

Shoulder
I’ve got a bum rotator cuff in my right shoulder. Probably caused by eight years of coaching baseball, accelerated by the last two years. Jon wanted to learn to pitch guess who his personal coach and catcher was?. Took way too long before I figured out that if I was throwing back each pitch, I was throwing as many pitches as he was. He was 12 – and I wasn’t. The solution was to buy two dozen balls and a bucket but, like I said, it took me way too long to figure it out.

Now every now and then if I stick my arm out just right, the shoulder “freezes” and I walk around with my arm out sticking straight out, just like Boris Karloff in “The Mummy”.

Left Knee
Has been “popping” a little when I move just the right way (wrong way?) for years. Kind of figured I needed to do something when the knee went out and my left leg collapsed 3 times during a single slow walk on the bike path. After the x-ray and MRI, I learned there wasn’t too much cartilage in there (the horseshoe- shaped gaps representing cartilage that are supposed to show up on each side of your knee in an x-ray looked more like lumpy pancakes), and that the only thing surgery would do would be to clean out the knee to make it nice and neat before they replaced it. Not going there yet.

So, I got a brace and 6 months of therapy to strengthen the muscles around the knee. That was pretty much weighted ankle-cuff exercises for the 4 major thigh muscles, step-up and step downs, ring around the rosy on the treadmill (forward, sideways and backwards walking ) rolling around on the BAP platform, machines and stretching. Stretching was my favorite part – especially when the therapist kneeled on the table with me and tried to put my left foot in my left ear. A little kinky, but fun.

Seems to have worked – I don’t wear the brace any more, unless I am out hiking in the mountains, and my knee hasn’t buckled since then. Gets a little twingey every now and then when I am walking up hill, and a little puffy after a tri – but I’ll take it.

Back
When Walt Whitman talked about “I Sing the Body Electric”, I don’t think he was talking about that little electric zing that I felt cross my lower back about 15 years ago when I bent over to pick up a surge protector. Now I’ve got “Rice Krispies” back – every time I move it goes Snap! Crackle! and Pop!

Was in bed for days after that first little zing, not moving except when I had spasms - they were fun - not getting better. Needed to get seen by a doctor to get some muscle relaxers to start loosening up – but I couldn’t get out of bed. So, they came and got me and took me out on a stretcher. Don’t know if it was more painful for me or the poor slobs who had to lug my corpulence down the stairs and out of the house – probably for them.

Foreign doctor on call at the emergency room was going to give me a shot – then he got a good look at me, commented that I was “a thick fellow” – and doubled the dose in the syringe. I learned that muscle relaxers do two things: 1. Make you weepy 2: Lower your IQ about 50 points. But, they did get me moving again, and let me get to therapy.

Back is pretty much ok most of the time now, unless I stand too long, sit too long, ride in a car too long, pick up anything heavier than a toothbrush, sneeze or turn the wrong way – which could be any way at all. Lots of mornings the back causes the left leg around the knee to go numb. Most days this happens at work. To fix this, I bend over and try to stretch out my lower back and hamstrings, while keeping my legs fairly straight. I try to do this discreetly, as to not give the idea I am mooning someone, which could cause me to get brought up on sexual harassment charges – or propositioned.

The Cure
I’ve gotten lots of advice – stretching, strengthening exercises, tai chi, yoga – most of which I ignore. Who’s got time for all that? Besides, if I could stand up and put my head on my knees while keeping my legs straight – I wouldn’t have any need to have to do that! Sort of a Catch-22, don’t you think? ( http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Catch-22 Scroll down to the section labeled “Concept” for an explanation. )

I have found out that if I move just the right way sometimes, I feel a little "click" in my lower back and I feel ok again. If I can't find the magic click, I’ve discovered the miracle drug: Vitamin I Yes, that’s right, all I have to do to overcome the rigors of old age and bodily deterioration is, ta-da, take 3 ibuprofens before and after exercising. Did you know they are a lot cheaper if you buy them at Wal-Marts in bottles of 500?

An Example
So, how do all these aches and pains and maladies affect my day-to-day life? Consider the following: I keep my key ring on a magnetic holder attached to the side of the refrigerator (too much crap on the front of it to put them there). Every now and then – ok, often – I miss the hook and drop them down into that too narrow space between the counter and the refrigerator. First I hear them drop – sort of. Then I try to see them. Can’t get my head in the right angle with my glasses on and can’t see anything with the glasses off. Then I have to try to get down to a kneeling position – remembering which is the good knee and which is the bad knee.

I reach in as far as I can, craning my neck to get every last inch of extension I can. The keys are too far in, and reaching out too far causes my shoulder to freeze up. I try to pull back, which tweaks my back, causing it to start complaining. I try to get up, but now my knee has gone to sleep, and grabbing the counter doesn’t help too much because my shoulder is also snoozing. I usually end up grabbing a broom and trying to sweep the keys toward me, hoping I don’t push them under the refrigerator. I now know why my parents have those gizmos (apple pickers?) with the grippers at one end and the squeeze handles at the other all over their apartment.

Back to the 5K’s
So, since I’m such a wreck I should quit doing the 5K’s, right? Nah – consider this. At the 5K, they have stuff to eat and drink. They give you a bib, to keep stuff off your shirt when you are eating and drinking, and it has your name on it, in case you forget. They tell you where to go and when to start. At the end, there is a big sign so you know when you have finished, and there are people cheering for you when you do. To get from the start to the finish, all you have to do is put one leg in front of the other. So, the way I figure it, getting through a 5K is usually a whole lot easier than getting through the rest of my day!